


30 years later and I'm still waiting for you

by capricious_Bastard



Category: TsukiPro the Animation
Genre: It's more or less a headcanon of some sort, M/M, Rikka Koi and Ai are all siblings in this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-21
Updated: 2018-07-21
Packaged: 2019-06-13 23:06:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15375402
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/capricious_Bastard/pseuds/capricious_Bastard
Summary: I deleted this not too long ago and more or less 'renewed' it in a way- added and deleted some scenes here and there, gave a bit more information, blah, blah, blah.





	30 years later and I'm still waiting for you

**Author's Note:**

> I deleted this not too long ago and more or less 'renewed' it in a way- added and deleted some scenes here and there, gave a bit more information, blah, blah, blah.

Cold air swept along the floors toward them and their exposed skins. He blinked, removing sleep from his eyes as pink met with a changing sky from the open doors that led to the engawa; the chilling morning air entering and crawling up through his exposed thighs to his lower back, and sending a shiver upward his spine.

The silk cloth slid down his pale shoulder as he pushed himself up against the futon, gazing outside where the sky was starting to gradually turn black to blue. Pink hair resting over his shoulder as he kept on looking, in a slight daze with how fast time is moving.

“Rikka” That deep voice sent a pleasurable shiver down his spine countering the cold he felt earlier, head slowly turning as the man rested his chin against the geisha’s shoulder. “Rikka, stay.” He spoke out mutely as if he may break the peacefulness if he were to speak any more loudly than a hushed whisper; gentle fingers travelling down the geisha’s arms, caressing his skin with care.

“You know that I can’t, Shiki.” He replied albeit regretfully.

“But I want you to.”

“We can’t.” And that was that.

Shiki kept his arms around Rikka while he leaned his half-exposed back against Shiki’s open chest, feeling the warmth and the contact between skin, warming him up even more against the cold morning air. He wants nothing more than for this to last, just mornings like this, arms wrapped around him as if Shiki is afraid of losing him, the softness in his voice that doesn’t want to ruin the quietness of the early morning, the lazy look he has in his eyes that made him want to stay for ever.

“It’s getting late…” Shiki whispered- no, he reminded him, reminded him that these moments will always need to end- his voice like gravel rumbling his chest and sending waves to the geisha’s back. Rikka breathed in and huffed.

“I know” He spoke softly, longing. Because he doesn’t want to leave, he doesn’t want to see this as nothing but a mere memory but he knows that he can’t. Carefully, he turned, Shiki’s arms unwinding around him and stayed suspended in the air as he waited for the pink haired geisha to come closer. Rikka smiled, small and a bit sad, placed a hand to Shiki’s cheek and caressed the skin with his thumb. “I’ll have to leave.” He spoke just to remind himself, just for the sake of saying something- his voice a bit higher than usual.

“I know” Shiki grumbled out, holding the hand that rested on his cheek, “You have to leave.”

They gazed at each other as time kept moving yet felt as if everything stopped but the reality of everything still looming over them and their beating hearts just couldn’t make that possible. They shared a kiss before Rikka stood and dressed himself as Shiki watched, following every movement, every step, everything that Rikka is and did.

And just before the geisha left, he wrapped his arms around him once again, nuzzled against Rikka’s loosely tied hair and trailed soft kisses down his neck and exposed nape. “Be careful. I’ll meet you again later tonight?”

It was rhetorical yet he couldn’t help but ask, just to confirm it. He doesn’t want everything to end and would rather dragged everything out if he could however each time he saw those pink-filled gaze he found his heart skipping, his mind going blank, his breath leaving him and then he’d listen to the lullaby-soft voice and the lilts and breath that that voice has and he finds himself again, with Rikka looking back at him with a small smile.

“Same time, same place- there’s no other way.” Rikka giggled out, a bit forced to try and let the atmosphere feel light and happy; it didn’t help anything though.

“I’ll be waiting for you.”

“And I to you.” Rikka responded, leaving a peck to the taller man’s lips, it lingered when it didn’t want to, as Rikka slipped from his arms, the geisha’s presence lingered when he didn’t want it to, those strangely coloured pink gaze lingered when he _didn’t_ want it to.

The door slid close and Rikka’s quiet footsteps were unheard of after a few steps, Shiki sighed out, falling to his knees and then closed his eyes. Oh, how he’ll miss this.

Everything that Rikka is.

Sadly, he has to move on and he’s ashamed to say that he _should_ have told Rikka much earlier than waiting until the last minute. But he couldn’t, he found himself drowning in Rikka’s eyes instead, savouring their moments together.

~

He smiled, careful and yet carefree as he poured a cup of tea to his companion, listening to light complaints and loud laughter and bad jokes that his patron gave. And he just went along with it, it was part of his job after all. There’s no reason for him to be complaining when he willingly chose this line of work, and yet when he wasn’t paying attention to himself, he found himself gazing longingly at nothing, remembering those times when it felt like time had stopped and nothing but passion-filled contacts happened between him and Shiki.

The only thing is, Shiki isn’t his danna, Shiki isn’t even a regular patron, he’s just someone who needed company during that one drinking party that he was invited to and Rikka had decided to sit next to him to accompany him- he sat next to him out of sheer curiosity and interest for the man, and then after that- well, after that, they found themselves in each other’s constant company; happening upon one another in the streets or even in the nearby market. And one day he and Shiki happened upon each other once again, Rikka wearing a simple kimono with his hair tied into a bun, holding a small basket in his hands while two pairs of pink eyes stared up at the purple haired male in wonder as to who he is. Rikka can still remember how Koi came in between them because he saw Shiki as a threat, confidently shouting up at him as someone who promised to protect Rikka- Ai stepping closer to him as she stared, nearly glared at Shiki. Rikka had to send them on their way, telling the twins to continue their shopping without him instead so as to accompany the older man on a leisurely stroll down the streets and parks which then became secret meetings in the covers of the night sky, all without being bound to money.

It was an odd relationship. For two people to be spending so much time together whether it be during the day or at night, and yet they have yet to actually pronounce their love for each other; Rikka knows for sure that this fuzzy, warm, drowning feeling must be love but he isn’t too sure if what the other man feels is the same. _If_ it’s even the same.

It’s been too long, and honestly, he’s thought about telling Shiki about his feelings, his love, however every time he plans to and has the courage to, whenever he’s in front of that purple haired, soft-eyed, deep voiced man, he just- he melts into nothing, ready to give everything up for this man. Although he likes his job despite the conditions of spending time with other men, letting another man touch him unlike the way that Shiki touches him. Letting a different man claim him but not like the way Shiki claimed him and his heart; Shiki never once complained, and it gives way to his doubts, all the unwanted thoughts. The things that he never really wants to think about.

“Rikka?” A hand brought him out of his head, pink eyes blinking and wavering, moving to look at the green haired geisha who kept peering at him. He produced out a smile and short chuckle, waving his hand to dismiss his thoughts and dazed action. “Stop it, you look like I haven’t been giving you some attention, kitten~” He teased with a little smile.

“Oh please” His fellow geisha chuckled out, green eyes rolling in disbelief and slight exaggeration, “You keep putting on that ‘I miss my beloved’ look ever since you came back this morning.” The geisha playfully replied, lowering his tone of voice near the end then gave a wink.

Rikka’s eyes widened and he whipped his head to look around him, seeing no one there but him and his friend.

“Relax, they went to the bathroom.”

“So you saw me-”

“And if your mother and siblings find out-”

“Haru-”

“I’m not finished.” His gaze spoke clear and serious and Rikka had to fix his posture due to being under the spotlight so suddenly.

“I’m in no position to talk about your affair but, Rikka, I see you leaving your okiya almost every night now, don’t you think you’re being too reckless? And-” Haru leaned closer, cupped his hand between the distance of his lips and Rikka’s ear, “There’s a rumor about your affair circulating every now and then.” And there it is, the expected-unexpected; he knew that this was going to happen to him sooner or later, it’s just that it seemed to be happening sooner than he thought; it hadn’t even been a year into his meetings with the purple eyed man and yet people have already caught on- they really have nothing better to do then, huh-? Rikka looked down, blinking his eyes in thought, hands clenching the fabric of his kimono. “You should stop this…” Haru whispered out with voice turning soft to a husky empathetic tone and he’s right, he knew that he should do as Haru says but he doesn’t want to, he isn’t prepared to leave this man behind.

He closes his eyes for a brief moment, feeling the ache on his chest spreading the more he thought about leaving Shiki- how did he go about his days without him, even? He doesn’t remember how his life went before he met him, anymore. Yet he understands the position that he’s putting himself into however, Shiki is-

Shiki is…

“Shiki is…” Rikka started but then the door suddenly opened and their companions came back with expressions that said they’ve finally been relieved.

Rikka tried to push the thoughts away that was in any way related to Shiki throughout the day. He was unsuccessful, to say the least.

It wouldn’t be bad, though, to be ecstatic to see him again later that night.

~

Rikka blew on his trembling hands, the cold of winter really has settled in despite it being a bit early, the kimono keeps him warm enough, although he does wish he could cover up his neck from the freezing temperature, it wouldn’t really be wise since his makeup will definitely rub off on the cloth of the scarf if he ever planned to wear one. The thought alone leaves him giggling and smiling to himself as he approaches their usual meeting place, under a cherry blossom tree, the place where they parted ways during that one night after the drinking party; little did they know that that wasn’t their last time meeting and seeing each other, seeing as they coincidentally also live near each other, with Shiki’s residence being a tad bit farther away from the okiya Rikka lived at.

Rikka is sure but it felt like it’s been so long since that day, and ever since then, he comes in to Shiki’s bed room with a smile and carefree laugh but he leaves Shiki’s bed room with a bitter sweet smile, always, at the end of the night.

“Rikka.” Shiki called out, that gravelly voice pulling him from his thoughts and memories and to the man who stood beside the tree, almost unseen from his choice of nothing but black clothing.

“Did I keep you waiting?”

Shiki hums then smiles before he gestures for Rikka to come closer to him, “Maybe, and you? You’re shivering.”

“It’s nothing” The geisha dismisses, trying to quickly warm his hands up as he walks up to where his beloved is. Is it alright to even call Shiki as his ‘beloved’, he couldn’t help but to wonder and yet it’s already a bit too late for him to be asking that, right? Or is it still too early for him to be even thinking about such a thing-?

“Rikka?” Shiki called out, tenderly but questioningly, slowly wrapping an arm around the geisha’s waist. Rikka hums out his response, turning his attention from rubbing his hands together to Shiki’s eyes; those eyes that always, always makes his heart skip a beat. Dark purple glances down at two pale hands then looks down at the scarf he’s wearing and decided to take it off, wrapping it around the pink haired geisha’s neck instead. “Is it warm?”

“Hmm” Rikka coos out, pressing their bodies together for a short quiet kiss. “Ah” He snapped, “Your scarf will get dirty.”

“What do you mean?”

“My makeup-”

“Oh” Shiki mumbled, “That doesn’t matter. It’s fine.”

“But- the cloth will be stained.”

“I don’t mind, it’s all right.”

Rikka blinks, thinking about Shiki’s words before giving a slight nod at him.

They stay under that tree, pressing their bodies together in each other’s comfort and warmth, leaning against the tree’s trunk, letting the silence eat them up and relax at the same time in their presence of being together. Sometimes, like this one, they never go back to Shiki’s house, to his room, but instead stay where they are and let everything cradle them, taking advantage of the dark covers of the night to be with one another.

Neither knew how long they stayed there, neither did they care because it was enjoyable in its own right; just relaxing, and sharing each other’s body heat, staring at the star filled sky, listening to the crickets in the distance. Being like this, the comfort that their presence brings to one another is enough for them, relishing just being in the other’s hold and embrace.

“Rikka.”

“Hm?”

“There’s something I’d like to give you.” Shiki murmured out, shuffling through his clothing as pink eyes watched in wonder and waited patiently before being presented with a carved out flower-filled hair ornament. “It was my mother’s, you see, and I want you to have it.”

“Me?” Rikka asked to make sure he heard the other man corectly, hands hovering over the object, “Are you sure you should be giving this to me? I mean, if it was your mother’s then surely there’s someone else” _Someone much more important_ , Rikka wanted to say, “that you’d like to give this to?” he said, looking down at the intricate design of each flower decorated along the ornament.

“There’s no one more perfect enough to have this in my opinion. Rikka, you’re the only one I want to give this to, no one else, please.”

“O-oh…” Rikka stuttered out- he felt his voice shake for a moment there, felt it nearly dying out because he couldn’t believe that Shiki would give him something this valuable yet there had to be something else to this. It could just be him being anxious about being something this precious however he just couldn’t shake that feeling- he looks back and forth between Shiki’s purple gaze and at the ornament before proceeding to gently run his fingertips against the object, careful hands taking it from the taller man’s possession. “Thank you, Shiki.” He mumbled out, unable to say anything else.

Shiki looked down, watching the way Rikka stared mesmerized at his gift, watching the way Rikka’s soft lips curled into a subtle smile that only he’s seen, watched the way Rikka’s eyes sparkled in delight. He leans down, cupping the shorter man’s cheek and presses their lips together; a chaste kiss, unforced, and not unwanted. Rikka happily reciprocates the kiss and smiling into it as he did. They pull back and the geisha’s wearing that smile that Shiki sees nothing but as a gorgeous and lovely twinkle.

A pang hits his chest because he doesn’t want to be reminded of what’s to come once morning arrives and judging by the gradient colour that the sky’s changing into, morning is almost here. He gulped and thought for a moment, processing how he’s going to go about and say everything, letting the silence take over for a moment while Rikka’s busy admiring the ornament. It’s nothing but flowers, just like how Rikka’s name is a flower; a beautiful, pink haired, perfectly smiling, bright eyed flower.

“There’s something I need to tell you” He started, taking a deep breath through his nose, “And I know I should have told you this the moment I could but I didn’t know how to. I didn’t want to see you crying, I didn’t want you to leave, I want you stay by my side…” Rikka could only blink up at him as he took in every single word Shiki spoke, thinking to himself as he felt the pain growing and growing in his chest, ‘ _Ah, this is it. The reason why he gave me his mother’s hair ornament when he could have easily given it to anybody else._ ’

“You see, I’m engaged.”

“Oh.” Was the other’s response; _there it is_ , he thought to himself as he swallowed the pain and contained the loud crack that occurred within him.

“And I’m getting married.”

Shiki closed his eyes because he can’t do anything else but to blame for his own actions and stupidity for dragging this longer than it had to, this relationship he has with Rikka.

“This afternoon, actually, so once the morning comes, I’ll be getting ready for my…” He really doesn’t want to say it but it leaves his mouth; it rolls off his tongue involuntarily like it was nothing, like it wasn’t affecting him too, “wedding.”

“Ooh…” Rikka breathed out, trying to mask the hurt that keeps growing inside of him by shuffling from one foot to the other, gradually drawing away from the taller man. “I- I see, that’s- I mean, congratulations” He forced out a laugh because what else can he say but that.

Shiki gulped, this is the hardest part and, the most heart breaking, “Y-you’re invited to come, Rikka.” He shouldn’t have said it and he should have just left it as it was; how stupid of him to invite Rikka to the event, honestly.

A spilt-second gasp then a chuckle escapes Rikka’s mouth, clutching his stomach as he stepped away, Shiki holding himself back from reaching out to the drawing geisha. “I-I’m honoured but, Shiki, really?”

His nose wrinkles as he grimaces, closing his eyes so as not to see the pain-filled emotion that’s reflected in those dark pink hues that he usually sees as nothing but diamonds but is now shattering right in front of his own eyes. “Please…” Rikka voiced out, higher, much higher and full of ache, “Please, don’t leave me.”

Shiki’s eyes glass over because he wants to say those words too so much that Rikka has no idea how much pain he’s feeling too- to see the person he loves slowly draw back from him as if he was some sort of illness that should be avoided instead he purses his lips together so that he doesn’t say any more unnecessary things.

“Shiki…” Rikka called out, the hesitation to take a step forward holding him back and Shiki can clearly see it and it hurts. “Stay… With me, please…” A tear slides down a pale cheek and Shiki can feel and hear his heart breaking.

“I love you…” Those words left him as a shaky desperate whisper of confession to Shiki.

“I-” He gulps, fists balled tightly, his nails digging down on his palms. “I’ll make sure to reserve you a seat.” His voice cracks half way through because that’s not what he wants to say yet it’s what came out of his own mouth. Rikka’s voice cracks when he produced out an achingly sharp gasp. “I’m… I- Rikka…”

“It’s all right… There’s no need to force yourself, I’ll be going now.” Rikka cried out however no tears fell, “Thank you for everything, Takamura-san.” The geisha bid his farewell with a deep bow then walked away without another word.

His brows furrowed with his mouth left hanging open as he watched the other’s shaking shoulders and hunched back scurrying away from him against the brightening heavens. The sun was starting to creep out, its light giving a soothing shine and heat contrary to that however is how cold it suddenly seemed.

_It suddenly felt so cold_ , he simply thought.

~

He woke up with his face buried into his futon, makeup- white and red mixed together- smeared against it, the sensation of dried over tears against his skin; it was all so foreign to him until now.

Especially this feeling of nothing but heart ache and sorrow and regrettably wishful thinking that Shiki would somehow bear the same emotions as he does towards him.

He pushed himself up, his nagajuban sliding off his shoulders as he crawled towards his makeup table to see what he has become. Makeup smeared and scattered all over his face, completely ruined and unsightly, tear tracks evident on his face by the trail that it left against his ruined makeup, his hair completely all over the place, his clothing loose and unbecoming that of a geisha.

Rikka closed his eyes and huffed out a broken breath of air. _Everything hurts_. He knows why, it’s just that he simply doesn’t want to think about it. Not anymore.

“This is for the best. Shiki is the only son and successor of a wealthy and powerful family, of course he is engaged to someone else. How could I have been so delusional.” Chastising himself wasn’t helping anything as to be expected but he doesn’t know what else to do, say or think, after all.

A knock comes to his door, “Rikka? There’s a letter for you, it seems to be an invitation to a wedding by that of a Takamura-san: Are you going? Should I arrange for a carriage to pick you up?”

Rikka gazed at the mirror in front of him, glancing at the reflection of the door and the shadow that stood behind it, before turning to gaze back at himself and loathing that pitiful look his eyes gave.

“I’ll be going. Have a carriage be ready for me in about two hours, mother.”

A hum of acknowledgement was all he got before heavy footsteps walked away and disappeared.

Rikka sat down, straightened his posture and started wiping away the remains of his makeup and took off the accessories in his hair solemnly. Unable to keep his glare toward himself contained, shouting at every crevice of his thoughts for his stupidity and hopefulness of ‘love’. There just wasn’t such a thing, there couldn’t have been- he’s yet to see it with his own eyes and he doubts that he’ll be able to experience it, even if it were later in his life.

One deep breath in and one deep breath out, he proceeded to apply his makeup again and arrange his hair properly.

He stayed in front of that mirror for almost the entirety of those two hours, intricately and carefully putting on his makeup and giving consideration to how heavy it should be or if he should just wear something simple instead and let his own looks do that job for him- after all that’s all he has and has been blessed with: Appearance, beauty, looks, prettiness, however one might want to call it, that’s all that he has- making sure to give attention to his eyes and lips instead after he’s gotten tired of trying to think of how he should wear his makeup; combed his hair, trying different styles to wear. However, when a knock came and told him that the carriage will be arriving, he decided to wear his hair into something simple. Rikka let his hair down, taking two locks of his hair from each side and tied it towards the middle into a small bun before putting in a tama into place, he took his flower decorated kogai and wrapped the ends of his hair into it, making it into a bun and placed a kanoko dome outside the small bun he’d created. He tilted his head, checking the appearance of his made-up hair style from side to side before taking the colourfully and intricately designed kushi. He doesn’t have any kind of hair ornament like this, where the designs pop up and create such realistic designs; the ornament that was given to him just hours ago and it was filled with so much life, somehow.

He traced a fingertip against the carved out flowers. Pink hues turned to look at the man looking back at him in that mirror and only saw a red-eyed, heartbroken geisha who has no reason nor right to continue his career anymore yet at the same time, he saw who he once was. A confident, independent, high-class geisha who makes men beg for his attention every time he walked down the streets outside.

For the first time that day, he saw himself smile he then sighed out and placed the kushi behind the bun. It would be disrespectful if he doesn’t wear something that was personally given to him besides, this is an important occasion, might as well show your respect by having something personally given to you be on your person. He tilted his head again, checking to see if he placed it right, once he was sure that he didn’t need to fix it. And maybe the hair style was a last minute decision but he liked the way that it came out, it’d be a shame if he changed it into something more intricate instead and end up wasting his time.

He stood up and picked out his most prized kimono and put it on. When he came out of his room the carriage had been waiting for him for nearly half an hour but he didn’t mind, putting on a kimono is a lot harder than it seemed after all. It was fine because there’s no reason for him to be in such a hurry too, not when he knows who he is and who and where his love belongs to- well, belonged to. He doesn’t need to hurry; not when Shiki’s getting married.

He wants to be as late as he could be, not out of spite but just because he’s not sure if he’ll be able to endure watching them walk down that aisle together.

Unfortunately, when he got there, the priest was still talking, everyone was seated and Shiki stood still, wearing those black ceremonial robes, holding hands with his soon-to-be-wife, staring eye to eye with each other. For a moment, he wished, with everything in his being for him to be that person standing with Shiki and pledge their love for each other.

Love?

The priest spoke up, asked the people attending if there was anyone who would like to object, taking him away from his fantasies. The people all looked at each other as if what the priest asked was unheard of, something completely absurd, and he can feel his heart breaking and shattering once again, and as he stared at Shiki standing there, pink eyes glassy- his vision blurry already with tears; purple met with pink.

They looked at each other’s eyes, holding it out during that short amount of time whilst everyone else waited to know if someone was opposed to the ceremony and Rikka wanted to oppose, with all of his heart and being but he didn’t, he couldn’t, not at the risk of ruining such a great future for Shiki and his bride.

Rikka licked his lips, he tasted the awful taste of lipstick, slightly grimacing because of it but ignored it in favour of smiling before him, showing the same smile that Shiki is nothing but familiar with.

_“I love you.”_ He mouthed out and he could see the way those purple eyes widened in surprise and shock and pain and Rikka tried so hard not to cry. In all of these months that they’ve spent together, all of the nights that they’ve spent together, Rikka thought that he wouldn’t have needed to say anything because he hoped, he wished that Shiki felt the same way and knew of his feelings for him. But the reaction that Shiki gave last night says so otherwise and now, the way his eyes turned into something that suggested him of being guilty, sorry, regretful, maybe even despondent was enough for Rikka to tell that Shiki never once thought of it as that. It was his fault for being so hopeful of something that will never be.

For a second there he thought that his smile wavered, cracked because of the pain but gladly, it didn’t. It stayed the same even when Shiki’s eyes broke contact with his and turned to look at the pair of eyes that gazed in front of him; not when Shiki and his bride shared a kiss and the people clapped their hands in happiness; not when Shiki’s eyes met with his again for a split moment before Rikka finally decided to leave because he couldn’t handle it anymore and just let the pain take control of him, crying his eyes out as he approached his carriage, nearly sobbing his heart out once he reached his okiya, almost shouting in torment for what he’d witness in his room.

His voice cracking as he sobbed his eyes out all alone in his room, clutching at his blanket as he tried to use it to muffle out his cries but he can still hear himself no matter how much he held back his sobbing nor tears, along with the aching stab in his chest every time a memory of being with the purple eyed man passed his mind.

It was unforgettable.

~

He bit his bottom lip, gazing up at the spring sky, watching the blossoms fall around him as he stood there, under that tree, hands clasp together in front of him in waiting.

It’s been 30 years now since he and Shiki parted ways under this tree; 30 years since Shiki got married and Rikka confessed; 30 years waiting and hoping that Shiki might come and visit even once; 30 years and he never retired from being a geisha, watching his friends grow old with the people that they love, and retired with, and moved away with, watching his apprentices grow into successful geishas themselves, watching time move forward in front of him while he stayed here: under this tree, stupidly betting on the small sliver of hope that his beloved might come back.

“I don’t understand why I’m still waiting here for you.” He whispered out, reaching into his hair to glide his fingertips against his treasured hair ornament. “But no matter what, I can’t seem to let it all go…” Rikka laughed out woefully, gazing down at the ground, his feet surrounded by pink petals.

Someone cleared their throat a little too loudly and caught Rikka’s attention, pink hues immediately being met with a single red lily before seeing those all too familiar purple hues.

A gasp escapes him and tears slide down his cheeks before he realizes it as he wore the same smile that he wore 30 years ago.


End file.
